So often, we are our harshest critic.  We may have the ability to show empathy and compassion for others, but when it comes to ourselves, it is difficult.  Thoughts run through our head “why did I do that?  What was I thinking?  I’m so stupid.  I always mess things up” etc.  We seem to trust that these unhelpful thoughts are right and that there is some character flaw within us that may not be fixable.

Dr. Richard C. Schwartz, PhD, LMFT, developed a model that he calls Internal Family Systems.  Basically the model suggests that every person is made up of parts (an angry part, critical part, care-taking part, controlling part, hurt part, etc.) as well as their core Self.  At times, a person’s parts may take over the Self, and people begin to believe that they are their parts.  It becomes difficult for them to know or find who they are deep down as a person.

Compassion is one quality of the Self-led person.  When we are able to find compassion for the parts of ourselves that we often hate, we are connecting with our Self at our core.  The discovery of one’s Self is amazingly healing, powerful, and life-changing.  We suddenly become less fearful of ourselves and of our place in the world and we gain a sense of Confidence (another quality of the Self) that we never knew we had.  Our view about ourselves, others, and the world seems to change.

As a therapist, I am honored that my clients allow me to be part of their journey in their discovery of Self.  While it may feel scary to begin the process, they put some level of trust into me as their guide, and together we begin to discover who they are.   According to Dr. Schwartz, everyone has a Self that displays Calmness, Clarity, Curiosity, Compassion, Confidence, Courage, Creativity, and Connectedness.  How empowering it is to know that everyone has the potential to discover their Self!

Posted by Laura

Schwartz, R. (2001) Introduction To The Internal Family Systems Model. Oak Park, Illinois: Trailheads Publications

Sometimes, it is hard to understand why some people seem to easily manage a great deal of stress and others seem to become overwhelmed by the smallest thing.  While some of this is linked to a person’s personality, the rest can be linked to how full their water glass is.

I like to use the analogy of our system as a water glass and our stress level as the water inside.  Some of us walk around with our glass filled to the rim most of the time, so when one more drop (stressor) is poured into our glass, our glass simply cannot physically hold it anymore and it overflows.  When our glass overflows it is often shown through an episode of anger or emotional breakdown.  Others walk around with their glass fairly empty, so when water (or stressors) are added, there is plenty of room to hold them.  These people are able to handle multiple stressors at once, without feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

Sometimes being able to view yourself or others as a water glass will give you a better understanding of what is happening within your system or theirs, when emotional overwhelm occurs.  Gaining this understanding helps us to be more tolerant and empathetic when those meltdowns occur, because we are able to make some sense around what is going on.  This typically allows for us to offer better support to ourselves or others.

So, the big question is…how do we empty our glass so that we can handle more stress without becoming so overwhelmed?  The key is to find a way to regulate your neurological system.  Some people may be able to do this on their own or others may turn to therapy for help.

Posted by Laura